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Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Life At Harvard: 5 Ways To Fit In At Harvard

anonymous, Eliot House, Class of 2017

Popular Harvard Students Caught on Tape: 5 Ways to Fit In At Harvard Revealed

Got into THE dream college by fluke or just planning on living in a classroom on Harvard’s campus for a few months? We’ve caught successful (i.e. popular) Harvard students on tape revealing the secrets to fitting at the world’s most elite institution.

Be an Expert at Complaining – whether it’s how bland your dining hall meal is (how dare they serve Swai fish again!?!), how you were violated by those malicious tourists (insert story about how they climbed into your room when you lived on the third floor), or how  many problem sets you have to finish TODAY (because you definitely didn’t spend last night on Buzzfeed), make sure your story is heard loud and clear in the common room.

Dress the part for Boston Winters – NO, not with your rugged well-worn jacket from the true north, or your “heavy” windbreaker from California. Instead, go with a strapping, elegant, $$$$ Canada Goose Jacket that signifies your unique sense of style. Don’t forget to pair with a perfect pair LL Bean Boots, and you’ll scream fitting in!

Get Your Pastels on for Fall and Spring – for the few weeks of semi-warm weather, my top recommendation is Vineyard Vines. Nothing is more New England than their classic Shep Shirts and salmon colored Nantucket red shorts. You can always step it up with their bowties for the many lawn parties and weekends at the Cape you’ll be attending.

Be on top of trendy social theory – you’re still talking about how gender is a construct, time to move on! Be well read on 12th wave feminism and its critics so you can competently disagree with any opinion that that is voiced in the general vicinity.

Perfect dropping the “H” bomb – you can’t fit in as Harvard student if other people don’t know you went here. Be subtle and complicated as eloquently demonstrated by Toofer of 30 Rock, “I went to college in Boston…well not in Boston, but near by…, NOT Tufts.” The trick is to make them wait as long as possible before actually telling them that you went to…the “H”.

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